Monday, January 23, 2006

wats wrong wif me?

i really messed up big time... since our pack for 2006 we've not had any arguements of sort. i wouldn't call tonite an arguement but its bad enough. again when angel needed me to be all that i can be i failed and let her down again. i know i might sound like a girl for saying this but its really unfair that this is happening right now. i should have taken more responsibility with my own actions and i didnt step up. one side of me wants to blame the fact that i am back here in brunei for the holidays while the other blames myself for not being back in kl, by angel's side working on the task while she slept. like we always did in previous projects together. to make matters worse.. of all nights for me to feel blue and depressed none of my close friends are on to chat wif me. sorry jas if i did wake you up and leaving the messages on msn. i didn't know who else to talk to...

angel has asked me several times about my own future and what i wanted to do with myself in my life. there were several times last year we had stupid arguements about this. here i am a 25yr old guy who is scared shit about living the life that i wanted for myself. i mean yes i want a successful carrer and a loving family but it took me so long to realise that maybe i was a little scared. sure angel kicked the living shit out of me that night and it really hit me that same nite. actually it was a couple of nites after. i do know what i want in life but i am scared of dreaming it because everytime i do some thing is bound to happen and pushes me further back. i am until today still scared of my past and of it happening in my current life. it is a plague that i have to live wif maybe till after i graduate or for the rest of my life. a plague where its a constant reminder of the stupid things i did in the past. things which i shouldn't have allowed to happen which casted me out of the family circle. if you think your life is bad wait till you step into my shoes and into my memories. the things i've kept secret, the pain i've suffered.... the thoughts and reliving each moment hurts enough.

but for tonite.. i really don't know where to even start to say sorry to angel. this is the 4th or 5th time i've let her down on the same topic. it came up to the point where she said some things which really hurt. i know it was my fault and i am guilty of letting it happen. i failed her the first time when she needed me to make things right, i failed her the second time when it was a chance given... i cost her the finals.... and now i am giving her a heartattack for not, yet again, being able to complete it on time again. but tonite was really my sour luck... first all my work was not saved cos pops turned off the pc and didn't save my work... resulting to me having to re do every thing again.. then my two stupid dogs outside decided to turn adventurer and decided to escape, and it took us almost an hour to get them home again... then angel was starting to get impatient with me and really let me have it and the pressure was on yet again. i don't even know why i bothered to re do the whole thing.. maybe she was right could have settled for second best but i couldn't risk it... and in the end i affected her as well... who in the right world would cause this much problem to the girlfriend especially since she's done so much for me and given me the chance to work it at my own pace provided i get it done... i failed her... i lost her trust....

i am sorry angel i truely am... i only wished that u would believe me that i am getting just as much pressure from my parents and just being at home. i am on the loosing end here... for the first time in a long time my chest pains are starting up again... i found out that when ever i am like super sad or blue it starts.... its like a sign tat my heart is aching... i do have a heavy heart right now... a heart full of guilt....