Monday, January 31, 2005

why it became like that? frustrated!!!

I AM SAD!!! i'm too sad... i dunno how to describe my feelings rite now.

Have u gals ever been in a situation where u saw s"sumthing" which u not suppose to see n hav tat feeling that "He is my bf, i should trust him.. but if i dun read all these, i wouldnt know anythin tat he hides from me.. but he is my bf!!!... yeah...i trust him...but not her... but it's not rite to read his things wifout askin him!!!! but i want to know wat makes him so special tat the loves of tis gal to my bf has neva fade...oh yeah... i think i should read." n without second thought, u slowly take out wat u should or want to take n look at it.

1st line, 2nd line...goes on..."oh god....gosh....oh no... please la... ha? wah lau..." these are wat popped out in my mind... i threw the paper away... in the same time, i have the urge of tearing the paper... tears started to drop... non stoply... i couldn't stop it... i took a deep breathe... started to think... i dun care wat the hell she n him did last time... i juz cant believe tat... is tis my bf kah? He told me tat he neva propose to a gal before tat he will marry her... neva hav the thought before, that he will marry her ex'es... except for me... im the one who make him thinks tat... but wat the hell r all these sentences in front of me? "He lied to me? or he didnt know tat he did tel to other gal b4?"... tears still dropping... Perhaps, im the STUPID one!!! like those silly gal tat reli would believe wat a guy tel her when a guy look very very serious... perhaps... im one of them... i dunno... thinking bout it... yeah... mayb i myself.... angeline... yes... u r too stupid n too easy to believe ppl tat "talk sweet" to u... n too easy to fall... i mean fallen for him... tears STILL n STILL... dropping................................. :~(

straight away, i type a msg n sent it to him (only gals will know wat's my look rite now!!! it's reli an ugly face wif tears n anger!) ... n he replied wif answer which i dun reli wish to see... we argued... he said i not suppose to read wifout his permission... yeah yeah...ofcoz i know tis, but tis is not the point!!! im not argu'ng wif u bout tis ( tis refers to promise tat i made to him tat i wont react anythin after i read all those "papers")... i toldl him tat wat he said to me "before" MEAN NOTHING!!! I only wan u to be honest to me all the times... if one day ur guy/loved one tell u tat ( i wan to marry u, will u marry me? answer me... will u? seriously... will u?u know i neva tel other gal as wat i told u ->sumthin like only me tat he wans to be wif for the rest of his life, which he neva think like tat before to his ex'es) ... u knoe it's so much touching... im so proud... so proud tat im the only gal for u to think like tat or rather to say tat "no one will ever beat me in his heart before or now n then"... but the sentence infront of me juz pulled me down... wat the hell? does tat mean tat wat he promised n told me before all all FAKE 1? i dunno...... i dare not to keep his promise anymore in my heart... NO!!!

i know i didnt keep promise tat i wont think nonsense after i read all those things... tat's my fault. But gal is stilll a gal after all. I didn't think anything bout him n her.... but i ONLY think bout things between "U n ME"... do u get wat i mean? i dun care wat da heck u did before wif her.. but i hope u can 100% honest to me.. i mean if u want to tel me sumthin to make me happy, please!!!... i do want tat sumthin come from ur heart.. not juz few movements of ur lips... i dun need tat!!! i told u tat before already but i think you've forgot bout it...

i want!!! i want to learn... i want to learn how to control my heart... to love, to forget, to forgive, to say "i love u", to say "i miss u", to see things more openly, to be able to control my hand to get sumthin which im not suppose to get (like his journal, n his letters fr gals/ex'es... wat to do? GATAL man!!!)... to be happy, to be not sad... n the list just goes on... i hope everything will be fine... today, tomorrow... forever...


Sunday, January 30, 2005

thoughts.. nothing but lousy thoughts

-> have you ever gone through a time where there is just so much u can handle in your life then suddenly it doesn't seem all that important. but the whole night you would be so troubled with a particular thought in mind and it just gets u really sad and heavy hearted. that's exactly how i feel tonite. it all comes down to what you have and don't have especially as seen in the eyes of the parent authority. i don't even know if i make sense right now. like i said i just have so much on my mind right now that i don't really know where to start or even make heads of tails. if u could feel this heart of mine now... it really feels like it can sink a ship. in your chest it feels like something hurting and wanting to just jump out. chest pains that never seems to go away but comes back when you're sad or when your loved one is sad. that is the eternal link that i have with angel and if she is at all sad it hurts me to know that she is. a lot of times in the past that i've suffered for her and its because of love that i feel tis way. i know it sounds silly but that's how it is wif angel and i.

-> but tonite i got the worst kinda of news ever... its hardly new and its something that has been on my mind since i started dating angel. its more like a reality check... guy no car... guy kenot do anything... at least right now that is how i feel in the eyes of the parent authority. not that i think that its not fair for them to think that way... i myself think that its true... as sincere as it is and as part duty of being a gentleman is to be able to take the princess out on our own chariot and not one that belongs to the kingdom. she asked me if it was right of her to tell me this (especially since she halau me from the room) and yes its right of her... i mean if i never knew how her parents really felt about this it would seem that i am taking advantage of the situation. deep down in my heart i only wanted to be with angel... not that i wanted to use her things for my own benefit.. the times i threw tantrum was never out of selfishness but out of love. but thinking realisticly... me getting a car any time soon... is like me wishing the moon and the stars everynight... i never really told angel how i felt about this situation before... a lot of nights where i can't sleep... its because of this... or something related to this... i mean i don't even need to get the hint from her parents... i myself already know it as my own responsibility as the guy. but after finding out tonite... its like priority number one if i ever want to date angel properly...

-> i don't know... my mind is just so messed up right now... i don't really know who reads our blog... some one sure does... if u dun get wat i mean here.. then maybe its meant for reading that's all.... jas... i know u drop by our blog every now and then... has it ever happened to u guys before? i mean... well at least in some same situation where parents expects more than what we can really handle at the moment... BLANK... that's how my mind is at right now... its filled with thoughts but i don't know where to start thinking so its just a BLANK. you all have been there before... u sit there... prob reading or eating halfway.. then u just have so much on your mind but its a total blank... yet we are so bothered about it that we forget wat we're doing. i sit here now writing this right not from the mind but from the heart... cos the brain now is a blank... i do wish the very best for angel... but i'm afraid that my best doesn't come that fast... maybe its just me... unfortunate that money doesn't grow on trees.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

its good to be back!

-> its been a while now since i got back. well 3 days since i got back. lol... its good to be back! especially good to be able to hug my little angel again!! ya! in coll no typing this so have to keep it short.. so many ppl suddenly walking behing me while typing this.. SO MALU!!! hahaha...

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

end........of.........WORLD!

erm... dunno y i hav tis feelin tat the world is going to end!!! Do u guys notice that many disasters happened in tis few years? well not tat many but scary things r happening everyday n it bcomes more serious from days to days... will it be end of world??? if it reli happens, what is your last wish??? what do u want 2 do??? who do u want to be wif???

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

an ordinary day....

-> it seems that everyone is back to school again and here i am still in brunei doing nothing when i should be back there keeping my angel company especially this thurs when she has her supervisor clinic. how i wish i was back in kl now. the past week or so away from angel has given me the time to reasses thoughts and what i have with angel and you know wat... meeting angel has been the best thing of my life. things are really going well for us and i really see it going some where. i really do. i know things are a little hard when i'm not around every now and then and i hope to change that.

-> oh ya angel thought me how to play minesweeper... she got so frustrated teaching me the game and insists that she has thought me once before. i don't remember but she said she did.. so she did ;) who's is to argue with that. lol... eventually i took the interest as well and started reading up on the net how to play the game.. was still blur but determined to learn the silly game. what seemed silly then now really interesting. if only she had explained earlier the 8boxes walk around thing then maybe i would have picked it up ages ago. lol... so now whenever we're online we would be playing it on msn and you know wat... I ALMOST WON! hehehe... of course a few nudges (have you guys tried msn7 yet? awesome stuff) to hint she wants to win... so a few accidental clicks here and there... hehehe...

-> i still remember how angel and i met... it was a beautiful day when i walked into the auditorium and there was this girl whom i have no idea who she was but she was smilling at me. naturally i smiled back and ever since that first smile she has captured my interest. attendance time i would try to catch her answering but always.. i mean always i missed it as i assumed she had a typical chinese name and would be maybe 50 some thing on the list. hehehe.. so ya it was a mission to find out and i did eventually. i remember one time before i knew her name i wrote the girl in red in front of me on my notebook to one of the guys and asked them if they knew her name. lol... then one day i got the courage to leave her a note and didn't even pass it to her personally. hahaha... i ran to the parking lot found her car and left it on the windsheild. hahaha... never expected her to actually message me the same day. since then we started talking and eventually dated and now almost 6mths in the making. boy does time pass by really fast. half a year already. thinking back now i am really glad that i invited her to join us at sunway for the mapcu games. even then i didn't expect her to show up then suddenly her name appeared on my mobile "Hello, Andrew... are you still in sunway?" Angel do you remember "STONED FACE". hehehe... i still can't believe it took me over a year to get the courage to actually say hi to her and make a move. in that 1 year we exchanged or rather i wrote her letters (as what we chinese would say KAO her) and whenever i was back in brunei we would spend hours chatting on msn about everything. i remember the first time we chatted it was till 4am... since then we've had 6 anniversary chats and a record 6am chat. hehehe...

-> ok i am off for lunch. am now in the office doing absolutely nothing... no calls so far and i'm hungry... wonder wat angel is having for lunch and where... prob she's at lucky know them... eating wat? hakka noodles of course.. unless today cos i'm not there so she's having pan mee. hehehe.. we shall see wat angel comments later one when she comes online at 4. ta ta

Monday, January 03, 2005

back 2 coll !!!

today it's da 1st day back 2 coll after da christmas n new year holidays. I only hav 1 class today which is.. erm.. sorry ya..can't reli remember wat's da subject name d but it's DDD class. Hehe... erm... it's quite boring n my friend bside me (pat) came late fer bout 5 minutes n when da lecturer was lecturin.. she kenot sit diam diam... hahaha... she said "so boring"...

Wat he taught today? Relational model.. touchin bit of SQL(juz a little bit)... n integrity constraints... Eh... how would i know all these??? haha... TODAY I GOT PAY ATTENTION !!! i mean not fully concentrate but at least better than classes before holidays.

I got my new text book.. DBMS one... cost me rm64.. i hope in da end of da module tis book will help me to hav better understandin on tis subject.. muahahaha...

2moro got 2 classes.. i hope it will not be borin.. but... drream la... where got class not borin 1??? hmmm....

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Happy New Year!

-> Wow its already the year 2005... how fast does time passes by... first of all a happy new year to everyone. nothing special tonite, had dinner at my soon to be brother-in-law's parents house together with a few uncles and aunties. prayers would be heard tonite for the victim's of the tsunami tragedy... while drivin back from miri i was listening to radio 4 labour pains and i can't believe there are silly people out there *ADULTS MIND U* who are so narrow minded and have no clue about what reli happened and why yet they blame the officials for not warning and stuff. one individual even said that there is no such thing tis day of age with all the computers and internet. my goodness they called in to complain and bitch when they could have pledged some money to help out. they think they are so smart to talk yet they didn't even pledge before getting off the air. Never the less u selfish people there is no one to blame as no one knew such thing would suddenly happen. at the end of the day its nature who struck back.

-> prayers tonite and for the rest of the year:
  • to everyone around the world who are still waiting for news of their loved ones and also to the victim's of the tragedy. i pray that they be given strength and the will to start over a new.
  • for my grandparents and the entire family that they too be kept safe and be given strength to carry on.
  • for my angel and her family that they too be kept safe and away from harm.
  • for my special angel to have strength to put up with me come the new year.
  • for all my friends around the world that they be kept safe
-> a new means a year older.. man i can't believe it.. haiz... i wonder what this year holds for angel and i... hopefully things will go smoothly and safely. lol... oh.. i got irene to give angel a hug for me tonite from me since i was not there to wish my angel a happy new year. hehehe.. strange thing was irene was ok wif the request. hahaha.. angel's reaction to it was funny when i heard from her. lol... but my dear that is the best i can do for now and its not always u get a hug from her for me. hehehe... happy new year my dear... we are a step closer to our dreams already... don't give up on me ya! :) i love you so much!